My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.