The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”