My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.