Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.