Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals