[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.