I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me, in DM rooms…
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down