Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
accurate
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week