Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.