I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
A game married people play.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies