Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.