I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Oh no
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I love twitter
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
#Caturday
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes