Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after