*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?