[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Ion see the issue
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Just had my nails done!
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”