[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”