Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Bread puns are on the rise!
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing