Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.