Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me buying fruit and veg
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
oh my god
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST