Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Girl, same.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.