Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I am never leaving this website
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
How did we not see this back then?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”