Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Why is this me 😫
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
This one’s “Alex”.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.