Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
A man of commitment.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.