Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.