Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
This is my favorite one of these!
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
lmfao come on
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen