You Might Also Like
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Story of my life…..
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My dad teaching me to drive
When you’re here for the treats.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.