Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually