[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I hate my earbuds.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Ummm
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Would you wear it?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!