Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
nice challenge
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me too door. Me too.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.