society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”