Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me sliding into hell like
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.