Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”