[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.