Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Plant care tips
wow he looks just like him
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.