I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
That was easy.