Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Generation gap…
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin