Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.