Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
what
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
beware of dog
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget