Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date