Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
You deplete me
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?