God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The game has officially changed 😎
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?