“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen