When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?