Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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the three genders
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.