A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Well, this explains it:
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.