Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.