MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them