The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.