lumberjacks will cut a birch
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[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*