It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.